Voices that whisper, dark deep despair

Discovering, Creating, Listening, Learning...

London, Spain, New York, Travel.
Music, Books, Film, Art.
Love, Trust, Friendship, Forgiveness.

myspace.com/thuggamuffin
nattyb@gmail.com

Oct 18, 2009 6:44pm
I do however have to start my break with a photo! Starting a round of a sock war, odd time to start a battle, however I feel these are a definite set of winner’s really. This pair of socks was just one of the many mind blowing things contained in my awesome gift box from Rita and family (by the way I have pretty much eaten all the twizzlers, I am an addict, maybe a good thing they are not sold in the UK). Now of course its a odd time to start a round of sock war as I won’t be online to see the challenge’s or get the results, so maybe if you have the time and want to join in you could email me your contending pair, you will also be sure to be keeping a smile on my face! Though in my heart these are winners no matter what! They shall be lucky socks, they will join the pile of sock friends who come with me on hard Hospital day’s. A thing I started near the beginning of treatment, having lucky sock’s or sock friends, it helped to have socks with characters on them, rather than just an awesome pattern and colour. When your stuck machines like an MRI scanner for up to an hour I worked out being able to see my tippy top toes and smile helped! Another snippet of the strange world of my mind!

I do however have to start my break with a photo!

Starting a round of a sock war, odd time to start a battle, however I feel these are a definite set of winner’s really. This pair of socks was just one of the many mind blowing things contained in my awesome gift box from Rita and family (by the way I have pretty much eaten all the twizzlers, I am an addict, maybe a good thing they are not sold in the UK).


Now of course its a odd time to start a round of sock war as I won’t be online to see the challenge’s or get the results, so maybe if you have the time and want to join in you could email me your contending pair, you will also be sure to be keeping a smile on my face!


Though in my heart these are winners no matter what! They shall be lucky socks, they will join the pile of sock friends who come with me on hard Hospital day’s. A thing I started near the beginning of treatment, having lucky sock’s or sock friends, it helped to have socks with characters on them, rather than just an awesome pattern and colour. When your stuck machines like an MRI scanner for up to an hour I worked out being able to see my tippy top toes and smile helped! Another snippet of the strange world of my mind!
Oct 18, 2009 6:26pm

sort of offline for a while

Just to say I know I have been rubbish at posting things of late, things are a bit tough right now. I owe so many emails and am so behind in just everyday stuff my brain hurts just thinking about it. If I owe you an email, if you have sent me things or an email, letter and not heard back, please note it all means the world to me just right now all the good time I have and any energy is being put to use to survive and plan a new medical treatment and some other things.
I am going to be offline pretty much from now till November, I will probably be checking email and hopefully sending some, I will be keeping and eye out for anything big, and please do email me and keep me in the loop of your life and the world. I just need to step back and evaluate and play catch up in the real world for a bit.
I hope to get some actual letters written over the next couple of weeks while I am resting and catching up and recovering, there is going to be a trip to see some friends, there is many medical things and lot’s of scans and tests that = sitting round a fair bit, so while I do that if I have some energy I plan to put my headphones on, listen and always have pen and paper to hand, and hopefully a camera to. So this break shall hopefully create and installment, or a chapter to the future book. Whatever comes of it.
I just wanted to say that I am going to be even quieter till November so that hopefully people will read this and then not worry to much. I will try and write the odd update, email or text to people though to make sure I am still fighting on and my brain is still going in some sort or correct direction. I know I am not making a huge amount of sense or repeating myself, so I shall leave it at that.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN people, I had a friend help me put some decoration up in the windows of my house today, it makes me smile and though its not a very big celebration in England up till I got sick I was pretty much either touring with people form the USA or in NYC or America during October and therefore Halloween holds some very special memories, esp. Halloween 2005, just pre the first illness started to take a big hold and before many other big life changes, it was a very happy month, I am lucky to have the memories and I found the October 2005 NYC photo’s the other day so, smile, smile, smile.


P.M.A, star, smile strong and Love it to Life!

Oct 17, 2009 4:18pm
wholerascal: I got a mystery delivery today. So happy for you. Mystery flowers are maybe one of the best things! Any girl that says they don’t like getting flowers is lying to herself or trying to sound cool!They are very pretty, and why would you not get mystery surprise flowers, your hot, your awesome, your an amazing friend and person and well I could go on and on gushing about you.Look there is my favorite flower too, well after sunflowers… A gerbera, I love them. I bought some for myself the last week, but they look dead today I need to throw them out, sob sob, but I will treat myself to more when I get back from Germany. I don’t care it people laugh that I buy myself flowers, its a short walk to the local flower shop, the lady is lovely, we have a nice chat the walk does me good and I come home with a normal mix of gerbera’s, I like the brighter ones, sometimes I will mix in 3 sunflowers and 3 gerbera’s, sometimes 9 gerbera’s in sets of 3 and 3 colours.Odd Fact: Flowers should always be bought/given in odd numbers, ironically that makes given a dozen red roses for example unlucky. Now anyone that knows me well enough will know I have problem with odd numbers due to my ocd, for example I have to turn the volume up in even numbers I can never have the volume on 5 or 9 even if it were the perfect level it worries me, who knows why. I buy things in even numbers, but I got told and taught about the flowers and odd numbers, and the way I have managed to be ok with it, is to work it to groups, so in a way 3 sets gerbera’s in 3 different colours somehow makes it ok.Who knows I gave up trying to figure me out long ago!Sorry for the lack of posting, I have been sicker than the normal sick me of late. Some good things have happened though. I got to see and hang out with Brad for a evening and it was brilliant, he made me chuckle and smile and many stories went back n forth of old times and the future, the music was spot on, he was on fire and drumming better and harder than I have seen in a while, his spark was on full! If Brendan Benson is playing in your area, go see the show, for my London friends that’s the 21st in Camden for Brighton friends 22nd for others look it up @ http://www.myspace.com/brendanbensonOther amazing thing was getting a great gift box from an amazing lady named Rita and I am going to blog later with some photo’s of the awesome stuff in it and the smile it also put on my face.Now though after what was first a simple reblog and has turned into a random ranting from me on all sorts, well now my eyes sting, my head is spinning, I don’t want the migraine back and I don’t wish to pass out again so I am off for a lay down with some herbal tea and my oxygen and then I will blog about my awesome gifts!!!

wholerascal:

I got a mystery delivery today.

So happy for you. Mystery flowers are maybe one of the best things! Any girl that says they don’t like getting flowers is lying to herself or trying to sound cool!
They are very pretty, and why would you not get mystery surprise flowers, your hot, your awesome, your an amazing friend and person and well I could go on and on gushing about you.
Look there is my favorite flower too, well after sunflowers… A gerbera, I love them. I bought some for myself the last week, but they look dead today I need to throw them out, sob sob, but I will treat myself to more when I get back from Germany. I don’t care it people laugh that I buy myself flowers, its a short walk to the local flower shop, the lady is lovely, we have a nice chat the walk does me good and I come home with a normal mix of gerbera’s, I like the brighter ones, sometimes I will mix in 3 sunflowers and 3 gerbera’s, sometimes 9 gerbera’s in sets of 3 and 3 colours.
Odd Fact: Flowers should always be bought/given in odd numbers, ironically that makes given a dozen red roses for example unlucky. Now anyone that knows me well enough will know I have problem with odd numbers due to my ocd, for example I have to turn the volume up in even numbers I can never have the volume on 5 or 9 even if it were the perfect level it worries me, who knows why. I buy things in even numbers, but I got told and taught about the flowers and odd numbers, and the way I have managed to be ok with it, is to work it to groups, so in a way 3 sets gerbera’s in 3 different colours somehow makes it ok.
Who knows I gave up trying to figure me out long ago!
Sorry for the lack of posting, I have been sicker than the normal sick me of late. Some good things have happened though. I got to see and hang out with Brad for a evening and it was brilliant, he made me chuckle and smile and many stories went back n forth of old times and the future, the music was spot on, he was on fire and drumming better and harder than I have seen in a while, his spark was on full! If Brendan Benson is playing in your area, go see the show, for my London friends that’s the 21st in Camden for Brighton friends 22nd for others look it up @ http://www.myspace.com/brendanbenson
Other amazing thing was getting a great gift box from an amazing lady named Rita and I am going to blog later with some photo’s of the awesome stuff in it and the smile it also put on my face.
Now though after what was first a simple reblog and has turned into a random ranting from me on all sorts, well now my eyes sting, my head is spinning, I don’t want the migraine back and I don’t wish to pass out again so I am off for a lay down with some herbal tea and my oxygen and then I will blog about my awesome gifts!!!
Oct 13, 2009 11:47pm
Bit of this weeks medication sorted, still a few tablets missing that have to stay in the bottles they are in and of course then there is the stuff for eyes, inhalers, oxygen machine, liquid meds, powders that need mixing, injections… hmmm yummy! Urgh organising my medication for each week takes a couple of hours and even then each day there is loads to remember and its boring, horrible and I am rather tired of it, but at the same time I like to know I have it all to hand, kind of, mastered! Ok so now I am getting into my bed, I am going to finish watching the documentary that is on and maybe go crazy and paint my fingers nails as I rarely do that, and I feel like if I do make it out tomorrow its going to be a good day and the last one for a little while, so why not make the most of it, and if I wake up feeling terrible and can’t make it, well at least I can lay there and look at my nails… ha! Night Night whoever is out there casting an eye over this here ranting of mine. xx

Bit of this weeks medication sorted, still a few tablets missing that have to stay in the bottles they are in and of course then there is the stuff for eyes, inhalers, oxygen machine, liquid meds, powders that need mixing, injections… hmmm yummy!

Urgh organising my medication for each week takes a couple of hours and even then each day there is loads to remember and its boring, horrible and I am rather tired of it, but at the same time I like to know I have it all to hand, kind of, mastered!

Ok so now I am getting into my bed, I am going to finish watching the documentary that is on and maybe go crazy and paint my fingers nails as I rarely do that, and I feel like if I do make it out tomorrow its going to be a good day and the last one for a little while, so why not make the most of it, and if I wake up feeling terrible and can’t make it, well at least I can lay there and look at my nails… ha!

Night Night whoever is out there casting an eye over this here ranting of mine.

xx
Oct 13, 2009 11:38pm
barelysarcasm: iammattjordan:(via explodingdog) This I think pretty much sums up 2003-2005 at my worst points, good times were had though I will admit, I would not change some of the memories, places, people and things that came in them there years, however would I do it all again knowing what I know now, well that’s for me to question on the nights of insomnia!

barelysarcasm:

iammattjordan:(via explodingdog)

This I think pretty much sums up 2003-2005 at my worst points, good times were had though I will admit, I would not change some of the memories, places, people and things that came in them there years, however would I do it all again knowing what I know now, well that’s for me to question on the nights of insomnia!
Oct 13, 2009 11:35pm
synmirror: want.that.view. (via kari-shma) In my style I am always so torn between ultra modern, white, clean, hidden away things which I guess are drawn out more with my O.C.D when it gets worse, however in many personal styles I love French chic, 19th/20th classic French, traditional English Edwardian or Georgian, with or course some art deco one of my favorite era’s thrown in. One day I will own my home, apartment, not rented I will know I will be there for the long term with no threat of having to move due to illness and government placing etc etc… and then I will be able to decorate each room with a distinct style and well just enjoy enjoy enjoy… Saying all that look at the clean lines, straight lines and beautiful city view of this home above… ha. Indecision, Indecision, story of my life I fear! Like the choice of London or Surrey, right now I am staying a little way out of London, close enough to enjoy the city as and when I need, but free to walk around my tiny green village with little independent gift shops, coffee shops, flowers, trees, woods, fields, ponds and tradition a plenty and with that of course comes a amazing sense of community that after a year living here I am just discovering the full depth and extent of! I know for now the decision to stay here away from bright city lights, too many gigs bars, art galleries and paces to over exert what little energy and good days I have is for the best and the air, life, pace and style down here is just what I need and want. Now if I can de-clutter, sell the piles of things waiting to be listed on ebay, do the car-boots sales in November and fingers crossed score a decent deal to be able to move into the newer, warmer, less stair ridden apartment in the building next door maybe by Christmas I will have a reason to smile for a good start for 2010!

synmirror:

want.that.view. (via kari-shma)

In my style I am always so torn between ultra modern, white, clean, hidden away things which I guess are drawn out more with my O.C.D when it gets worse, however in many personal styles I love French chic, 19th/20th classic French, traditional English Edwardian or Georgian, with or course some art deco one of my favorite era’s thrown in. One day I will own my home, apartment, not rented I will know I will be there for the long term with no threat of having to move due to illness and government placing etc etc… and then I will be able to decorate each room with a distinct style and well just enjoy enjoy enjoy… Saying all that look at the clean lines, straight lines and beautiful city view of this home above… ha. Indecision, Indecision, story of my life I fear! Like the choice of London or Surrey, right now I am staying a little way out of London, close enough to enjoy the city as and when I need, but free to walk around my tiny green village with little independent gift shops, coffee shops, flowers, trees, woods, fields, ponds and tradition a plenty and with that of course comes a amazing sense of community that after a year living here I am just discovering the full depth and extent of! I know for now the decision to stay here away from bright city lights, too many gigs bars, art galleries and paces to over exert what little energy and good days I have is for the best and the air, life, pace and style down here is just what I need and want.

Now if I can de-clutter, sell the piles of things waiting to be listed on ebay, do the car-boots sales in November and fingers crossed score a decent deal to be able to move into the newer, warmer, less stair ridden apartment in the building next door maybe by Christmas I will have a reason to smile for a good start for 2010!
Oct 13, 2009 9:52pm

rough times and good times

Last week I was pretty down and tired sue to a throat infection that would not go away and I was then dosed up on antibiotics. Then there seemed to be some local pharmaceutical delivery problems as a few people I know suffered similar problems. I was unable to get all the med’s I needed so ended up with no morphine so a fair amount of pain for several days and also only able to take half the amount of one of the heart tablets I am meant to take to make what I had left last, of course that meant extra time on the oxygen machine and extra chest pains and palpitations, and well one of my stomach tablets was impossible to get for over a week. Thankfully today all was back to normal and my medicine cabinet is back to full stock I think, so before bed I will set up my weeks tablets in the 7-day pill box thing, otherwise well I get confused, muddled and lost, let’s leave it at that.


Monday I saw the gastric team at Epsom hospital who of course said not very much, that I need to talk to the heart specialist before they can make further changes or tests, however I am due to get a referral to a dietitian, which I am sure will remove even more food and therefore ease and fun from my life, but it is makes me feel better I will give it a go. So now I am waiting for the Cardiac team on the 30th, Palliative care on the 29th and the Endocrine on the 9th November, somewhere in the middle there is many visit to the G.P and many a blood test with The Royal Marsden.


To add to all that I had to go and see a new dentist today, apparently you need special care and to take extra care and antibiotics with your teeth work when you have my  heart condition, who knew the heart and teeth were so closely related. Anyway the new dentist seemed very nice, she told me I need to get my cracked tooth capped (the fun and side effect’s starting to take effect from over a year of steroids). Then she will give them a good clean, and fit or mould a mouth guard as when stressed (me stressed, about what) and also in my sleep I seem to grind my teeth a little, never a problem till the medication started weakening them, so now she will make a guard that should be ready in about a month or so to wear at night or if I am aware I am grinding my teeth, oh to just add to my sex appeal!!!


However I did fit some good things in, I hung out with a nice young gentleman who happens to be one of my friends son’s (don’t even want to think about the fact he is ten years younger than me is even possible) and enjoying some live music. The following day his dad and friend picked me up and we went to look at the new Fiat 500 car’s, I think my friend Bernie is going to buy one, and its the car on my “when I win the lottery list, of course I must remember to play it” list. Then we went to good old costco and had a lite dinner snack before they drove me home and I went right to bed by about 9pm and missed my first dentist appointment at 10am today, lucky they could fit me in at 12.20!


Next it is all fingers crossed that tomorrow I will feel good enough to go catch up with Mr Bradley Pemberton who is in my country banging away for Mr Benson, and I know he will cheer me up and make me feel alive, so fingers crossed I wake up feeling energised tomorrow please! xx

Oct 11, 2009 9:39pm

Sorry for lack of updates

Been a bit on the rough side of late and just trying to get by doing the normal things that one has to do each day!

Today however I made it to the “outside world” not to far away though… It involved a good Italian lunch, live music for 20 people by Mr Slaid Cleves from Austin Texas and at least 7 or 8 now good friends, and 4 very good friends, good laughs, good coffee and a life home, and I am home and thinking about bed and it’s pre 10pm, so rock n roll baby!

Tomorrow I have hospital at 10am and tomorrow I have the dentist at 10am, its the first dentist visit since they discover the heart condition so it now involves having to go an hour before my appointment to be set up to a broad spectrum IV antibiotic drip for an hour, extra yucky! My life is awesome. ha.

Love, peace and passing thoughts…

I never knew what time it was till closing time came round, my drinking days are over but I am still trouble bound!

XX

Oct 9, 2009 4:11pm
barelysarcasm: He’s BEARLY trained in Karate! (via harmonwashere) This looks like a scene from the film El Oso, which is in English called The Bear. You can read about it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bear_%281988_film%29 I know it as El Oso as I would watch it with my Grandfather every time I went to stay with them in Spain. I have been missing my grandfather so much of late, he was this amazing gentleman and I feel I lost him suddenly and right at the time I would have been able to get to know him in a much deeper way. I lost my Grandfather in September 2005 just before I got sick starting the October 05 and being diagnosed fully in the turn of the new year into 2006. I actually spent New Years Eve in hospital waiting on the full set of staff to come back for 100% confirmation of my leukemia, though I already new being as I was sat in a private room in Europe’s leading blood cancer hospital and I don’t think you get that far less they are pretty sure. Anyway I guess “Take me home just don’t get sentimental on me”. I need to find this find on DVD.

barelysarcasm:

He’s BEARLY trained in Karate!

(via harmonwashere)

This looks like a scene from the film El Oso, which is in English called The Bear. You can read about it here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bear_%281988_film%29 I know it as El Oso as I would watch it with my Grandfather every time I went to stay with them in Spain. I have been missing my grandfather so much of late, he was this amazing gentleman and I feel I lost him suddenly and right at the time I would have been able to get to know him in a much deeper way. I lost my Grandfather in September 2005 just before I got sick starting the October 05 and being diagnosed fully in the turn of the new year into 2006. I actually spent New Years Eve in hospital waiting on the full set of staff to come back for 100% confirmation of my leukemia, though I already new being as I was sat in a private room in Europe’s leading blood cancer hospital and I don’t think you get that far less they are pretty sure.

Anyway I guess “Take me home just don’t get sentimental on me”.

I need to find this find on DVD.
Oct 9, 2009 4:01pm
notarobotbutaghost: almostnever:stayupforever:loveyourchaos:fuckyeahtheuniverse:(via astronautfarmer) I used to be able to find most of these… not so much anymore which makes me sad. I want to click my fingers and time travel back to a week of sleep under the stars in the Kalahari desert, sleeping on top of a 4x4 just under a mosquito net, being sent off to sleep with the roar of the lioness going to hunt, the laugh of the hyena and all the other sounds that fill the thick stuffed of heat air around you, but look up once the fire is just ashes and all your torches are off, with no city in hundreds of miles and certainly no large city with any real light pollution, I swear you can lay back and discover every star, your body slows and you become one with the world. For sure discovering Africa was one of the most amazing months of my life, I saw so much, joy, pain, suffering and true happiness and love and village team ship. Wow I suddenly feel very open and emotional. It’s a place I shall return too. For now I will go flip the photo albums of that adventure.

notarobotbutaghost:

almostnever:stayupforever:loveyourchaos:fuckyeahtheuniverse:(via astronautfarmer)

I used to be able to find most of these… not so much anymore which makes me sad.

I want to click my fingers and time travel back to a week of sleep under the stars in the Kalahari desert, sleeping on top of a 4x4 just under a mosquito net, being sent off to sleep with the roar of the lioness going to hunt, the laugh of the hyena and all the other sounds that fill the thick stuffed of heat air around you, but look up once the fire is just ashes and all your torches are off, with no city in hundreds of miles and certainly no large city with any real light pollution, I swear you can lay back and discover every star, your body slows and you become one with the world. For sure discovering Africa was one of the most amazing months of my life, I saw so much, joy, pain, suffering and true happiness and love and village team ship. Wow I suddenly feel very open and emotional. It’s a place I shall return too. For now I will go flip the photo albums of that adventure.
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